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How smartphones save lives

In these modern times things are changing at a rate of knots and last weekend brought home to me just how much I rely upon my smartphone. After a busy Friday afternoon in work, I powered down the computer, turned of my peripherals – like a good energy efficient man of the world does – and danced out of the office towards the tube. As a bus turned right into Grove Square, the image of a very irritating man, sat with his latest laptop, grinned at me as all of the advertisements on buses do. Then it struck me; I swore under my breath realising I had forgot to email my boss (another irritating man with a strange grin permanently plastered on his face) about a meeting I had attended that morning.  I stood frozen in horror at the thought of having to trudge back up those stairs, past Mavis the cleaner and wait for my ancient machine to boot up. Then panic was replaced by smugness. I felt the warm and comforting shape in my top pocket – my new toy, my lifeforce, my smartphone. I swept through the menu finding the "compose a new message" screen. The fastest fingers in the west created a sufficient email and had it sent before I reached the tube station (Nearly stepped in a huge puddle whilst typing. Note to readers beware walking, typing and puddles. Not a great combination).

Once on the tube, I again bust out my smartphone and selected a post–work playlist (bouncing tunes getting you in the mood for the weekend). Again horror struck as the next song came on. Turns out the girlfriend had been playing with the smartphone too and that is the reason I was now listening to the latest reality tv pop star in a cramped carriage full of judgemental eyes. Made a note on the blessed phone that the lady friend is to stay away from my musical items in future and must explain this to her in a polite way (read: not getting into trouble and having to survive the death stare all weekend). Sure enough when I got home I walked in and forgot to engage my brain; was duly told I’m sleeping on the couch and ‘if that’s how I am going to talk to her then she will need to think again about living with me’. Saturday evening whilst she was being the mature one and playing the whole album too loud I was trawling the internet for a ‘how to smooth things over with lady friend’ book (again on the phone, none of this laptop use for me).

After meeting with friends at the local pub that night, we arrived home at 1am in dire need of a pizza. I stared at the phone in my hand, it kept playing a visual trick on me and was pretending to split into 3. I aimed for the middle one and went looking for a local pizzeria that delivers. Success! When I triumphantly turned around to tell the lady she had already gone to bed and it was 1.45am (The lag time had nothing to do with the phone speed). Next morning I was awoken by the doorbell. I don’t know how I managed to convince her to open it but the massive bouquet of flowers I had ordered after my fruitless book search had arrived and the rest of the weekend was spent in peaceful harmony – except when we got lost on the way to her mothers new caravan. Again, my phone saved the day but beyond that I don’t want to go into any more details as I’m shuddering just thinking about it.

Still, I have only had my smart phone for nine days, and it has already got me out of a couple of jams. So glad I have it!

Are you also having trouble with the ladies? Follow these 20 tips to become the man women want .

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