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Handy Hints from our readers!

I receive many emails from my fans every month and some of them provided some useful tips to get around the daily life more easily. See below my favourite comments and if you have any ideas please let me know by contacting me here. Everyone who has a letter printed in our next newsletter will receive a very special prize — three pairs of white sports socks!

Guys, looking to buy your special lady something sexy to wear? Get a personalized apron. Martin M, Stockport Feeling like there is no tomorrow? Buy a calendar. AP Mills, Stockton Lost? Be a man and don't ask for directions. AC Baldock, Bournmouth

Looking for a strong drink? Check under your sink
Chris M, London

You know you're really drunk when people talk to you like a puppy: "Get up, boy. Get up. Good boy! NO! Don't s(h)it there!"
SW Godin, Chorley

Girlfriend caught you looking at another woman? Just tell her that you're glad she doesn't dress like that.
PC Bickerton, Liverpool

Hate goodbyes? Become a stalker.
Nick M, London

Are you seeing double and feel you may be too drunk to drive? Drive with one eye closed.
M. Porter, Greenfield

Think you've had too much to drink? Call all your ex girlfriends and get their opinion.
PC Win, Galston

Save on ironing costs by giving all your shirts to St Vincent de Pauls, and then buy them back for 50p each.
Lisa Godin, London

Make people think that you have an expensive car phone by calling them (asking your son to make funny noises in the background), asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.
Chris W., Watford

Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
Anonymous

Make bathtimes as much fun for the kidies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a buckety of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Dan Williams, Colchester

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of a hang-over by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
J. Walker, Edinburgh

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they waly up the aisle.
Karl Beard, Darlington

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Artic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their berards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
Adam Miller, Inverness

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Millie Cresswell, Horseheath

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Kevin Smith, East Rounton

Brighten up a dull Monday morning at the office by concealing a bottle of Vodka in your jacket pocket and taking swigs from it at regular intervals throughout the day.
S. Clark, W.

Enlarge your living space by removing that bulky light shade and glueing sea shells directly onto the lamp bulb.
Doris Pratt, Billingham

An ideal yet inexpensive Christmas gift for the smoker is a novelty cigarette lighter made from an ordinary house brick with a match tied to it on a piece of string.
David Parkinson, Banbury

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peel­ing it off.
Dennis Phipps, Blackburn

Tear out the pages from a book which you have read, shuffle them around and stick them back together again with sellotape. Invariably a new story emerges.
D. Portland, Bognor Regis

Put your microwave' oven on a shelf INSIDE your freezer. That way it will be able to freeze food, as well as heat it up.
D. Pillage, Burton-on-Trent

SAVE money on firelighters by using discarded potato peel­ings instead. If they don't ignite at first, leave them to dry in a warm cupboard or similar for a few days.
Mr. Sark, Derby

Save on laundry bills by keep­ing your clothes on in the bath -and don't forget to take a dirty dinner dish or two with you.
D. Porterfield, Bracknell

Always buy cornflakes packets in twos so that you can use one to top up the other if the contents have settled during transit.
D. Purnen, Bristol

Put 1" strips of masking tape across the top and bottom of your TV screen. Then, with the lights off, watch your favourite programmes through binoculars. It's just like being at the cinema.
D. Parker, Boddigham

Keep a roll of sellotape handy in the bathroom to stick back any unused sheets of toilet paper which will pull off the roll by mistake.
D Page, Burnley

If guests are staying overnight, always shave their pillows beforehand. To this day I have yet to receive a single complaint about feathers protruding.
Doris Price, Berkshire

When out shopping, glue carpet tiles to the soles of your shoes. They make Sainsburys feel like your living room.
D.P., Bath

If you foul the air in someone else's bathroom, disguise the smell by lighting a match and setting fire to the hand towel.
Mrs D. Parkinson, Billericay

Housewives — I find that the best way to get two bottles of washing up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
Mrs Smith, Chester

Stack empty cornflakes packets along hallways and at the foot of the stairs to reduce the risk of injury in the event of a fall.
Iris Frazer, Dundee

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