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Your problems solved

You have a problem? Just see below you are not the only one who has some issues in life. And sometimes we just need a little sympathy from someone else who is not your wife (especially when she is the actual problem) or your best mate because who is not allowed to go out with you any more because of excessive drinking nights in the pub (You don't really know why his girlfriend gets so upset about a few black eyes and some vomit in the front garden).

PROBLEM #8

My wife's backside is growing and growing
I require your help with a rather sensitive issue, regarding the size of my wife's backside. When we were married, many moons ago, it was neat and pert like a ripe peach. Unfortunately, as the years have passed, her posterior has grown exponentially, to resemble something not dissimilar in size to a naval destroyer. I have gingerly attempted to address the matter by subtly hinting that she might want to take up pilates or get on an exercise bike once in a while, but she's too busy shovelling cake into her massive gob to take any notice. Can you offer a suggestion as to how I can broach this issue without getting punched in the balls?

PROBLEM #8 Answer

Firstly, I am really sorry to hear about your wife's massive bottom. But I asked my son and he suggested the following:
Perhaps you might want to write a poem about it however, just like the one Oliver French wrote for the Harvest Festival. In our school, every year at Harvest Festival we have to bring in food and old clothes to send to people less fortunate than ourselves in poor countries like Bangladesh and Scotland. This year, our teacher got us all to write a poem or story about food to make into a big display. I wrote about how my favourite food is pink marshmallows and cheese strings, and also about how my granny goes on and on about how during the war she had nothing to eat except stones and about how we all wish she would shut up for once. But my story was nowhere near as good as the poem Oliver French wrote about Frances Hall, the fattest girl in the school, who eats a whole multipack of Monster Munch for a mid-morning snack and whose knickers have to be specially made from old bed sheets because her bum is so vast. To accompany his poem he drew a lovely picture of Frances with a snout and a curly tail eating from a trough. Although many of us felt the composition to be a work of genius, the teacher didn't seem to agree, and nor did Frances Hall's parents, possibly because Oliver hadn't fully mastered the iambic pentameter or something. Perhaps your wife would enjoy it if you penned a similar ditty about her unfortunate bulk? Either that, or just pack up all of her cakes and send them up to Scotland, where they are so desperately needed.

PROBLEM #7

My friend can't find a boyfriend
A close friend is attractive and clever, but does not have a boyfriend and would be far too shy to try internet or speed dating. She lives, platonically, in London with a man who works with her but he does not have a wide circle of friends and has been no good at introducing her to anyone. There is no one suitable in her office. She cannot face looking desperate at a singles dinner party. What should she do, Sam? She is 32.

PROBLEM #7 Answer

How about this:
Since you don't seem to interested in being her boyfriend I can only think of learning bridge. It may seem 30 years too early for your friend to learn bridge, but with this skill under her belt, all sorts of doors will open with the minimum of pushing. Once inside, she will find a surprising number of people of her own age who have become bored by the zombie company of drinking and drug-taking contemporaries. With no discrimination on grounds of class, age, looks, money or milieu, a self-filtering elite based on brain power is taking shape. Bridge schools, bridge clubs and bridge parties are the perfect way to get to know people of compatible intelligence and sensibilities. She should rope in her lodger to learn as well. They will find all sorts of access is enabled.

PROBLEM #6

Am I being bullied?
I'm a manager, but my staff don't respect me at all, and are constantly making me the butt of their jokes. At first I just ignored them, but over the last few weeks it has got worse. I constantly find post-it-notes saying things like 'twatmuppet' and 'knob-gobbler' stuck to my back, and the other day, I came in to find my Winne the Pooh desk mascot hanging from the ceiling in some kind of mock-execution. I know I'm a grown man, but I can't help feel like I am being bullied. How can I regain my authority?

PROBLEM #6 Answer

How about my daughter's answer to this:
Daddy, you need to promise me, that no matter how bad the bullying gets, you don't tell your mum and dad about it. They might seem like they want to help, but let's face it, they're probably the reason you're being bullied in the first place. (If only your dad hadn't insisted on picking you up from the school disco half an hour early, striding on to the dancefloor with the dog and calling for you loudly as you cowered in shame under the strobe lights.) Once you let your parents in on it, it's only a matter of time before they're phoning the headmaster to complain, or worse, making your big sister walk you to school. As soon as you're out of sight of the house in the morning sheíll grab you by your tie and warn you through her teeth to walk at least 100 yards behind her, on pain of death. If you want any hope of surviving this, you need to deal with it yourself. The best plan is to keep your head down and wait patiently until some other, more deserving loser comes along to divert the bullies' attention.

PROBLEM #5

Dinner invitation
Our very nice Russian cleaner wants my brother and me (we are sharing a flat we inherited from an aunt) to come to her house for dinner one evening and we donít really want to. Her English is very limited, our Russian non-existent, and I think it would be a night of sheer hell for all of us. Please can you come up with a cast-iron permanent excuse? At the moment I have told her that our mum is unwell and that we have to take care of her, but she canít be sick forever.

PROBLEM #5 Answer

A journalist once answered to a similar questions the following:
You have missed the point. What could be better than to go to someone’s house and be served with a free, probably delicious, dinner and not have to sing for your supper? Once it has been pointed out to your brother that, unlike at a conventional dinner party, he will not have to ‘make conversation’ — because it will be impossible — but can sit back comfortably and gorge himself (though he should resist the temptation to bring a book) he should jump at the chance. What is more, your cleaner may turn out to be a brilliant cook whose services you can engage when next giving a dinner party yourselves. It would be ungracious, stand-offish and foolish of you not to accept her kind invitation

PROBLEM #4

Morbid Fear
Please can someone put me out of my misery. I go around all day long looking for smoke coming out of drains and the ground in general. You see I have this morbid and possibly irrational fear that the Earth is going to explode ! Is this possible ??

PROBLEM #4 Answer

After a very long time I have been to church again recently and based on what I heard last Sunday I would say your fear is not irrational:
It clearly says in the bible that the world will come to an end and that the innocent will be saved while the guilty will be cast down into the pit. I find it only too likely that the Lord may be looking down on this world of sin and misery and deciding to end it all. He's probably just choosing the best way of doing it - should it be a super-volcano, an asteroid, an epidemic, a nuclear accident, a war? Really He's spoiled for choice. My advice to you is that you stop worrying about the method - let's face it, the earth exploding is as good as any - and start concentrating on not ending up in the firey pit for all eternity.

PROBLEM #3

Winning Strategy
OK, I've got an important game of "Stone, Scissors, Paper" coming up (we're talking who buys the next round here) and think I've honed a winning strategy. It runs as follows: Stone, Stone, Paper, Stone, Scissors, Paper. Can anyone see any flaws in my thinking here?

PROBLEM #3 Answer

First of all - isn't it called something else like Rochambeau. At least that's what we called it when I was young. But here is an answer:
I think the biggest flaw in your thinking here is that your opponents have every chance of using the Caro-Kann opening of: Paper, Paper, Scissors, Paper, Stone, Scissors - which unfortunately will make mincemeat of your "winning" strategy ! Also, what happens if it goes past 6 rounds? You will of run out of ideas and will have to improvise, leading to an utter destruction of your defences and you buying the beers. A piece of advice: if this should happen, you need to resort to the Sicilian Gambit of Punch, Punch, Punch, Punch, Punch, Leggit !

PROBLEM #2

Nuclear power? Pfft.
I've been an avid campaigner against the monstrosity of a nuclear power plant that was erected at the end of my road last summer. Since then, the yobbos that roam the street of my quiet suburban neighbourhood play they're music in the middle of the night, have grown to 8ft and have physiques of silverback gorillas. Also they have two heads. What's more, the ant infestation problem in my patio has become more and more of a concern. The average worker ants are anywhere between 10 and 11 feet in length, have tattoos and ride Harleys. I've tried putting powder down, but they just pick it up and make fire bombs with it. What do I do?

PROBLEM #2 Answer

I didn't really have any experience with this kind of problem, so I asked my auntie Selena. Here is her answer:
Darling, you haven't filled us in on your own changes in physique - however assuming you're not 10ft and bullet proof now, I would try a little politicking: tell the ants that the yobs have called them 'a bunch of sheep' and tell the yobs that the ants have said they're sissies (I'm assuming here, naturally, that the radiation has given both groups the power of speech). That should keep them both busy for a while...

PROBLEM #1

Old bag of laundry.
Yesterday I found a big bag of laundry under my bed and I was like, "Oh. That`s what people wore in 2003." Brilliant! I was entertained but the person with me at the time, was not. Are they being completely unreasonable?

PROBLEM #1 Answer

I discussed this with my lovely wife and I have to say we have some seriously different opinions on this. Here is what she thinks:
Absolutely not. Do you not know? Decent folk do not air their dirty linen in public! Your poor friend will have felt awkward and uncomfortable. It doesn't matter how close you are, nobody wishes to be exposed to the stains on a friend's character at close quarters. The poor lad/lass is probably permanently damaged...

Here is what I think:
Yes, they are. Time capsules will be a very important part of history studies in the future, and the contents as well as the CHOICE of contents of these time capsules will keep scholars of the future engaged in academic study for a long time. It is important for them to have these topics of discussion, as they do need help to fritter away our taxes in the golden towers of academia.

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